sorry ]:

stupiiidddd me! FUUUUHHHH. im stupid. i got the guts to ask her to homecoming. but it was the wrong way..i always do everything wrong! ]: i hate myself. sigh. my first homecoming dance...and i blew it ]: right when i thought everything was going the way i wanted it to...im sooo sorry ]:

i guess i should just sit out on this one.<\3

still in love..crazy huh

yup..you got it right. i am still in love with her. pretty crazy actually. she's over me. she's moved on. and for me. well everything is still there. i still love her. i still need her. i still want her. why? cause i just can't fall out of this love. i know i know. i should just give up. youve told me to so many times. but you know what? i haven't and i will never. i know i don't even talk to her that much anymore. but its the dreams i get. i dream about her almost every night. actually i dream about her everytime i sleep. yeah yeah i do love the dreams i have about her. they are perfect. but is anything really perfect? well actually there is. she is. she's perfect. she may not be perfect to you but to me..i say she's perfect. how? well i can't explain that. all i know is that she's perfect for me. well thats all i gotta say.

sorry to tell ya but i still love her.

i dont know.

welll i dont really know. she said she would try to see me. that she would bust a mission to see. she said all this after that day. that day when she just walked away. maybe its because she thinks that sorry isnt enough. really it was alright. i understand why she left.... but it seems like she just said that she'll bust a mission just to make me happy. feels like she really isnt. :\ i know im being a little too negative. but right now. it really seems like it. its like, why would she out of nowhere say she would do that. i know shes a really random girl ahaha thats what i love about her but still. she hasnt said she would bust a mission to see me in a really really long time and i thought she would never say that to me again... gahh. its so confusing. right now ill just believe she will bust a mission just to see me like the old times (even though its probably gonna be a long time from now since shes super busy now). ill shall just believe she would... cause i love her. actually i love her tooooo much. even though her heart doesnt belong to me anymore...

"hey you! yeah you! i like you.."

Hurts

you know what hurts? well let me tell you. well you know when you get the guts to say that one phrase again. you know that crazy phrase. you know that three word phase that has so many meanings to it. yes "i love you". well yeah when you get the guts to say that to that one person again.well yeah you say it to her and right after you just freeze up. and time just stops. you sit there. you wait and wait. but nothing ever comes. you were just waiting for her to say it back. to at least just say it. but it never comes. it crushes you. you feel as if your heart has just dies. feels like all that hard work to just say those three special words was for nothing..thats what hurts.

really now

do i really still have feelings for her?? hmm. i guess i do. but why?? i barely even talk to her. and plus i think she already likes someone else. sigh. if i had to say what our status is. i woulllddd say barely friends. o well. since im starting a new school monday it should really get my mind off of her. eventhough every night i see yuki and it makes me sad...well..anyways i should really get her off my mind..but how? how do i just stop thinking about my first love. my first kiss. my first real girlfriend. my best friend. impossible

"give me atleast one last day to be with her. and ill be happy"

Is it a passion?

Every time i break i just get this feeling. its like when i dance all my worries go away, all the stress, and all those bad thoughts. i may not be what you call the best but im trying to get there. i know all the great bboys were already amazing when then were only little kids and all and i only started like what? idk but i wasnt a little kid. but no matter what im gonna try my best to get up there even though im really lazy im still gonna try. so is it really a passion? or is it just a little hobby i do to get my mind off things? i dont really know right now lets just say its something i love to do [:

"break dance not hearts"

the road not taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

right now there are two roads diverged in a yellow wood. its either go to burroughs and start all over again but lose my friends, or stay in providence and keep all my friends but make my family spend more money on me when we are going through these hard times. i really want to take both roads but both of them have consequences. lose my friends or ruin my family budget. im gonna be thinking about his decision a lot.

but other than this decision i also have another problem...i want to say i love you to her but yet i know it will ruin everything again but if i keep my mouth shut she will never know. i was so close to telling her that i loved her last night..but i stopped myself before i did. i know we are both trying to get less attached to eachother and i think its working out...but yet i also think it isnt. trying to get less attched to the person that you cared for loved trusted and the one you talked to the most is impossible. i know nothing is impossible but this...this is impossible. but right now i will accept the fact that we are just "friends" now. and i will choose to not hurt her or break her heart ever again and to do that i should get unattached right now. i will try my hardest to. i do not want to make promises because like she told me....

"never make a promise that you know you cant keep..cause it will just hurt the one that you are making the promise to"

again.

well i just made a decision to keep blogging.

i know i said i would probably stop blogging. but ive been thinking and hey there really isnt a reason why i should already stop after only having at for a week. so yeah [: i will still blog!

done?...well done

to tell you the truth i just made this blog so i could show tiffany garcia what i really am going through and what i think about and what i really think her as. since i might not see her that often or be as close to her anymore there really isnt any point in blogging. so im sorry to everyone if there was anyone that was reading this..but anyways im sorry but this is probably gonna be the last blog i write. cause its probably all done now..well it shows how much i really loved her..but i do love her and ill miss her too..<33 well no one will ever understand what im going through anymore. all i can say is ive lost the one i loved the most...
"thought i had it all"

new start

a sun rise can be a start of something new.

maybe i should move on. since im going to a new school and all. i know im never gonna forget all my great friends at phs and of course i wont forget all the amazing times i had with them. and i would never forget weirdo. but hey...like everyones telling me just move on. can i really? everyones still gonna be my friends. im just switching schools. but yet i havent even switched schools yet and seems like im lossing all of them already..especially that weirdo. sigh..its life.

when i talk to her that feelings not really there anymore..its not the same anymore..]: well i guess i have one more day to actually hang out with her on her birthday.but yet i dont want to lose her..its like i have a huge whole in my chest..

"no matter what ill always be there for you..but probably not as your boyfriend but as your best loser buddy<3"

oh happy days

i dont know why but i love all these pictures of sunsets<3

oh happy days indeed. dont know why but feels like i have nothing at all to worry about. feels like im just flying away to my own little cloud. feels pretty crazy but i love this feeling. no more worries no more sadness. and no more shit to go through. right now i just want one thing. and that one little thing is to say i love you to that weird girl. and after i say that then i have nothing else i would want to do but relax and just live life as it is...happily. and i can even see that sunset on the beach one day. and of course i wouldnt be alone when i see it. <333

"lets just say that whatever you do even if its something extreamly bad ill still say that i love you"

love is it?

i love that heart thing with the hands. really cute;

[not mine really really old poem from the 60's]

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask,
a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

ruined it

i just want to leave everything and just run to a place like this^

i ruined everything. relationship with my mom. my best friend. and now i just found out im moving schools]: i shouldnt have told her. i know i should have just kept it to myself. but i just thought i should tell her everything. it just ruined things between us. feels like ive just lost her and i feel like im never gonna get her back. why does this always happen to me ]: all i can say is worst summer ever.

"thought i had everything until now...i just lost everything"

is it just me?

sometimes you just feel left out. or just lonely.

is it just me or is it that everytime we talk now it just seems different. like theres no connection. or maybe is it just that im pretty stressed out. i dont know what it is. i just miss all the happy stuff. all the laughs. all the crazy shit. i dont know its just all gone now. just makes me wonder what happened? what did happen? is it maybe theres no love or is it that someone needs alone time. i doubt its either of those. but whatever it is i wish it would just end. i hate or should i say dislike that feeling.

"just lay down. calm down. and just relax. sometimes thats all you can do"

sometimes

The stars...you'll never really know how many there are up there...but i have a hunch that theres 10,182,008 starts up there.

sometimes you just wish that you could get that one person. that one person thatll always make you feel good and make you happy. that one person that you can talk to about everything and anything. that one person you know that you can trust with your heart. well sometimes all you can do is wish. right now thats all i can do. just wish and wait for something to happen.

"you can't just let things happen on their own. you also have to do something if you want something good to happen."

that one wish

sometimes i just want to lay on an unknown island. and just lay on the beach, relax and just be alone.

life right now...its just so confusing. i know pretty much everyone says that now. but hey its true. haha i havent even had this blog for a day and im already telling the whole world my feelings and basically my life. but whatever everyone that knows me deserves to know whats goin on in my life.

"its life..you know how it is. it has its ups and its downs" but right now im sayin im in the middle of that up and down.

my girl, my friend, my lover

^^cute huh.
we started off as best loser buddies, then we became boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to best loser buddies cause love wasnt really what we needed. i would still like to be with her but yet i still would like to stay friends with her. even though we are just friends i still know i can count her for ANYTHING. i can go to her for anything and tell her anything from something as small as i tripped or to something big like i stole someones cupcake x]. but hey even though we are just friends im happy with it. cause its really nice to know that you still have othat one person thatsll always be there through good times and through bad times. ill love her to death..ahah actually even longer than that lets make it ill love her forever [:

"if i had to pick between loving her or breathing i would use my last breath to say i love you"

Always there

even when youre feeling down or alone you know that you can always count on the "one" stuffed animal that seems like a part of your family to always be there<3.

first time.

Haha well this is the first time i ever blogged. I don't really know what to write. well yeah haha i say this is a pretty good start [;